My early childhood friend was a doll named Alana. I got her for Christmas when I was three. She had dark curly hair and brown eyes like mine. I would tell her everything. I knew she was a doll, but I had to talk to someone.
One day when I was six, I spilled juice on Mom’s new dress while riding the bus. She stared at me all the way home. I knew I was in trouble. Mom was careful to never make a public scene, but her look told me she was fuming inside.
When we got home, she went into my room and started throwing things, looking for something. She kept saying, “I’ll get even with you, little stupid bitch.” Then she saw Alana sleeping on my bed. As she reached for the doll, I ran over and begged her not to wake up my baby. She pulled Alana’s head off, emptied the stuffing all over my bed, and walked out with the empty shell.
Compared to other things she did, I suppose this seems minor, but she had destroyed the most precious thing I had – my security. Who would I hold when I needed to cry? Who would listen to my silly jokes? I had no other friends or playmates.
Elephant Mug 6
resume editing here
There was an art sale at my school I had several pieces up for auction I was so proud to be asked .
My figurines were placed on a table with my abstract mugs and such.
The money went to buying clay and various supplies I sold all but one mug it was an elephant hollowed out you could drink from its trunk it was pink.
I took it home and gave it to Mom.
Apparently she felt I was mocking her as she was fat.
She took the mug and smashed it several times on my head until broke I was dizzy and my head was bleeding she handed me a dish towel I thought it was for my head. It was to wipe my blood off her floor.
She had me clean up my mess calling me a skinny thoughtless whore the whole time eventually sending me to bed. Bleeding sick to my stomach with the room spinning I slept.
This was one of many times I wished I would just not wake up.
It was bad enough that they raped me but did she have to degrade me as well?
It started to seem as though my happiness angered her I learned to show no feelings after that.
Second Place 8
there never seemed to be any pleasing Mom It became more clear as time went on . I was in acrobats and had been since 4, There was a meet I was to compete locally. The big night came I was ready as we were leaving Mom told me if I showed up Tracy again there would be hell to pay. I payed it to we had teams I would not let my team down. my mother was livid I was in trouble , AGAIN. I did not care are team was better I deserved my ribbons, for the hour I had them. We got home and she cut my ribbons all 4 of them then hung Tracys because at least she had to try. The next morning loser was painted in lipstick across my head, I was not allowed to wash it off until we went and returned from breakfast and shopping.
“You compete tonight you’re lucky Tracy go to your room.” You had better win your sisters out now Tonights the finals for state .And I want to see a trophy lose win try don’t try as if my life was not a confusing mess already I did the parallel bars like skipping robe the horse the balance beam I did a triple set of cartwheels dismounted with a back walk over . 1 9.5 and 4 10 the next girl got 8,5 and a couple of 9 we lost by ½ a point and she said it was my fault for not getting all 10s. Points did not matter to her I lost we came in second .
This time she only dislocated my shoulder not as bad as other times I
was lucky. The fact that she addressed me as loser for a month lasted
and hurt worse,
Haircut 8
I was 8 long dark thick hair Mom would have the lady down the street braid and tie it up for events . I did my routines first tap then floor tumbling next my favorite acrobats the music started Fly Robin fly was the song followed by Fire across the beams perfect , parallels flawless the rings great then it happened on my flying dis mount my hair tangled in the rings I was hanging there helpless and in pain .I looked up and she was laughing at me even took a pic, as they cut my braid free all the way to the shoulder with garden shears , 2 men held me up while they went to find them the whole time she was grinning at me . SHe kept the hair and hung it from my curtain in my room , Dad took me to get my hair evened out I looked strange to me I was used to all that hair , My mother spent months mocking me . She kept the hair where I would be reminded constantly.of how reckless I was
We Move 13
It was the summer I was 13 Mom moved us to a new area to”hide” what was going on inside me They were to have a new “package” in 6 months She did not want to risk my being seen after what I had done to myself The shame of getting pregnant so early .As if she did not know.Pulled out at 8th grade no more school.I was so frightened ,not for me but for the life inside of me as I knew now what they were doing was not right .IT WAS WRONG,ALL OF IT and no one would ever know. Just another teen mom giving her baby up for adoption “yea more like slavery I thought “ I could not willingly let them have this life inside me . My promise to Kent echoed in my head and heart.
I took the bottle of tylenol and stared at it wishing I could run instead but they were always able to find “the bad ones” Running .was not an option they would only have found me and what happens to those girls is horrifying and they are forever persecuted until their lives are taken at their own hands or they succumb to the endless abuse. I would rather die myself than to let them do this to another soul I thought aloud Sorry Kent as I prepared to take the bottle. I was looking out the 3rd floor window I opened it and swallowed I gagged and took more until the bottle was done and sat on the window and nothing happened, My ears rang I was sick to my stomach I thought of Kent they won’t get this ones either. SORRY I said as I set back wards on the ledge and let go.
I had landed in the shrubs instead of the concrete
Some how I woke up in the Dr. office she’s fine but you’ll have to wait to try again she’s pretty messed up .
I had managed to lose the baby inside of me that hurt I felt like a murder but I realized what they would do was far worse. The wound on her side took several stitches we’ll get them out in 2 weeks There will be permanent damage to that side she lost some fatty tissue loss {I now have to face frequent cellulitis infections as well as high risk pregnancies because of that.} The tearing is pretty bad. when she is up to it take her home.As I was to weak to walk and he certainly could no longer carry me as he was getting weaker and more feeble.
I still face fears and difficulty with trust I have long since recover from the shame and guilt of what was done to me as I had no choice as a child options solutions are guided by adults however The only guilt I bear or shame I feel is in not protecting the life inside of me instead I chose to end it the Angels would protect that soul now. But I was supposed to die now to. Dad who was getting feeble by now told my mother they had to talk when they came out She began screaming at me then him.
You know we have to leave now you couldn’t just have IT and be done could you . WHat you did was evil you can’t help killing your brother your pets kill kill kill you BITCH. “Tracy your sister is making us move . She punched me in my gut .I wanted to and could careless if I died so I stood up to her I think back it had to be my will to die battling common will to live .Because I Shouted “ you know damn well I how I got this way You Let it happen.”
I was not done on this mortal coil
One day when I was six, I spilled juice on Mom’s new dress while riding the bus. She stared at me all the way home. I knew I was in trouble. Mom was careful to never make a public scene, but her look told me she was fuming inside.
When we got home, she went into my room and started throwing things, looking for something. She kept saying, “I’ll get even with you, little stupid bitch.” Then she saw Alana sleeping on my bed. As she reached for the doll, I ran over and begged her not to wake up my baby. She pulled Alana’s head off, emptied the stuffing all over my bed, and walked out with the empty shell.
Compared to other things she did, I suppose this seems minor, but she had destroyed the most precious thing I had – my security. Who would I hold when I needed to cry? Who would listen to my silly jokes? I had no other friends or playmates.
Elephant Mug 6
resume editing here
There was an art sale at my school I had several pieces up for auction I was so proud to be asked .
My figurines were placed on a table with my abstract mugs and such.
The money went to buying clay and various supplies I sold all but one mug it was an elephant hollowed out you could drink from its trunk it was pink.
I took it home and gave it to Mom.
Apparently she felt I was mocking her as she was fat.
She took the mug and smashed it several times on my head until broke I was dizzy and my head was bleeding she handed me a dish towel I thought it was for my head. It was to wipe my blood off her floor.
She had me clean up my mess calling me a skinny thoughtless whore the whole time eventually sending me to bed. Bleeding sick to my stomach with the room spinning I slept.
This was one of many times I wished I would just not wake up.
It was bad enough that they raped me but did she have to degrade me as well?
It started to seem as though my happiness angered her I learned to show no feelings after that.
Second Place 8
there never seemed to be any pleasing Mom It became more clear as time went on . I was in acrobats and had been since 4, There was a meet I was to compete locally. The big night came I was ready as we were leaving Mom told me if I showed up Tracy again there would be hell to pay. I payed it to we had teams I would not let my team down. my mother was livid I was in trouble , AGAIN. I did not care are team was better I deserved my ribbons, for the hour I had them. We got home and she cut my ribbons all 4 of them then hung Tracys because at least she had to try. The next morning loser was painted in lipstick across my head, I was not allowed to wash it off until we went and returned from breakfast and shopping.
“You compete tonight you’re lucky Tracy go to your room.” You had better win your sisters out now Tonights the finals for state .And I want to see a trophy lose win try don’t try as if my life was not a confusing mess already I did the parallel bars like skipping robe the horse the balance beam I did a triple set of cartwheels dismounted with a back walk over . 1 9.5 and 4 10 the next girl got 8,5 and a couple of 9 we lost by ½ a point and she said it was my fault for not getting all 10s. Points did not matter to her I lost we came in second .
This time she only dislocated my shoulder not as bad as other times I
was lucky. The fact that she addressed me as loser for a month lasted
and hurt worse,
Haircut 8
I was 8 long dark thick hair Mom would have the lady down the street braid and tie it up for events . I did my routines first tap then floor tumbling next my favorite acrobats the music started Fly Robin fly was the song followed by Fire across the beams perfect , parallels flawless the rings great then it happened on my flying dis mount my hair tangled in the rings I was hanging there helpless and in pain .I looked up and she was laughing at me even took a pic, as they cut my braid free all the way to the shoulder with garden shears , 2 men held me up while they went to find them the whole time she was grinning at me . SHe kept the hair and hung it from my curtain in my room , Dad took me to get my hair evened out I looked strange to me I was used to all that hair , My mother spent months mocking me . She kept the hair where I would be reminded constantly.of how reckless I was
We Move 13
It was the summer I was 13 Mom moved us to a new area to”hide” what was going on inside me They were to have a new “package” in 6 months She did not want to risk my being seen after what I had done to myself The shame of getting pregnant so early .As if she did not know.Pulled out at 8th grade no more school.I was so frightened ,not for me but for the life inside of me as I knew now what they were doing was not right .IT WAS WRONG,ALL OF IT and no one would ever know. Just another teen mom giving her baby up for adoption “yea more like slavery I thought “ I could not willingly let them have this life inside me . My promise to Kent echoed in my head and heart.
I took the bottle of tylenol and stared at it wishing I could run instead but they were always able to find “the bad ones” Running .was not an option they would only have found me and what happens to those girls is horrifying and they are forever persecuted until their lives are taken at their own hands or they succumb to the endless abuse. I would rather die myself than to let them do this to another soul I thought aloud Sorry Kent as I prepared to take the bottle. I was looking out the 3rd floor window I opened it and swallowed I gagged and took more until the bottle was done and sat on the window and nothing happened, My ears rang I was sick to my stomach I thought of Kent they won’t get this ones either. SORRY I said as I set back wards on the ledge and let go.
I had landed in the shrubs instead of the concrete
Some how I woke up in the Dr. office she’s fine but you’ll have to wait to try again she’s pretty messed up .
I had managed to lose the baby inside of me that hurt I felt like a murder but I realized what they would do was far worse. The wound on her side took several stitches we’ll get them out in 2 weeks There will be permanent damage to that side she lost some fatty tissue loss {I now have to face frequent cellulitis infections as well as high risk pregnancies because of that.} The tearing is pretty bad. when she is up to it take her home.As I was to weak to walk and he certainly could no longer carry me as he was getting weaker and more feeble.
I still face fears and difficulty with trust I have long since recover from the shame and guilt of what was done to me as I had no choice as a child options solutions are guided by adults however The only guilt I bear or shame I feel is in not protecting the life inside of me instead I chose to end it the Angels would protect that soul now. But I was supposed to die now to. Dad who was getting feeble by now told my mother they had to talk when they came out She began screaming at me then him.
You know we have to leave now you couldn’t just have IT and be done could you . WHat you did was evil you can’t help killing your brother your pets kill kill kill you BITCH. “Tracy your sister is making us move . She punched me in my gut .I wanted to and could careless if I died so I stood up to her I think back it had to be my will to die battling common will to live .Because I Shouted “ you know damn well I how I got this way You Let it happen.”
I was not done on this mortal coil
